And So On

[Silver Sorrow]

My new favorite phrase uttered by a random female:

"It made me feel like I wanted to cry."

Wrap your head around that one, amigos. If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

[Silver Sorrow]

Brilliant.

This one, too.

Bliss.

Because I don't like them.

This is the only thing that makes her bearable.

Same deal here.

I didn't get a "harumph" outta that guy...

[bobdog]

Nice find -- the guy's very talented, that's for sure. You forgot:

A listenable version of Lady Gaga

Some people might consider Reggae Kiss a dishonor, but it's funny

And the BeeGees version here had me rolling

Let alone the Jonas Brothers

[Silver Sorrow]

All excellent contributions to the continuing disintegration of The Collective. You get another cookie.

On a side note, I try to avoid all things Gaga, but like Bai Ling with a butcher knife, there's something about totally batshit women that enthralls me.


A few from Ten Masked Men, who apparently do this thing for real. Sure beats whatever it is that Miley Cyrus does.

Beat it.

Eye Of The Tiger.

Push It.

Stayin' Alive.

White Wedding.

Sledgehammer.

Easy Lover.

I Get Around.

Baby One More Time.

There's tons more, so enjoy this, your new fascination.

Bonus!

Rancid Amputation.

[Silver Sorrow]

A few I had laying around. A bit of cleanup...need lots and lots of DVD-Rs...

 

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[Silver Sorrow]

The Goonies: What The F@#k??

Since I first saw The Goonies in the theater in the summer of 1985 as my grandfather was being kept alive via life support, it's been one of my favorites. But over the years I've begun to question the flick...and when I put it all together, not everything seemed to fit as well as one would like to think. Not just "so this kid just happens to find one huge honkin' deus ex machina to save his neighborhood from evil land developers?" but also other, more questionable things. Try this on:

One-Eyed Willy, the most famous pirate of his time...1632...parks his pirate ship...in Oregon...and spends years setting booty booby traps, then kills all of his men...except for someone who *had* to have escaped with the map...I'm with Chunk on this one: "Sure Mikey, I believe you."

Let's break that down:

1632: Maybe. Juuuuuuust maybe. And...

Oregon: ...on the other side of the freaking continent where the actual notorious pirate activity would be taking place. Also, how the hell did he get there? Swing around the tip of South America? That was just a walk in the park, as far as sailors of the time were concerned! Or did he go in the opposite direction (east, for the geography-impared), 'round the Horn, and sail all that way to the east coast of what would one day be the U.S. of A.? Or did he, in fact, find the fabled Northwest Passage to Oregon? Chances are, since he was such a wily one-eyed willy, he had his men disassemble the ship, strap the pieces to their backs, cut across Central America on foot, then reassemble the ship and sail up the east coast to the Pacific Northwest.

Trying to figure it out leaves me all tired and hopeless, so I'll leave it there. If anyone has an explanation, correction, whatever, feel free to rip the above paragraphs apart and throw them in my face.

Irrelevant Side Note: It must be my week. Earlier in the week, I commented during one commercial -- you know, where cutouts of crayon drawings are all over the place as Gene Wilder sings a song from Willy Wonka? -- that the melancholy, bearded guy in the ad looked like the poster child for suicide. I was told that was a "horrible" thing to say by a certain person. Later on, I noticed that same person's sleeping kittens calendar and asked if they were sure that they're just "sleeping"...I mean, they looked dead to me, but what do I know, right? "Did they check for their little pulses?" I asked. Again, I was informed that I was a horrible person who said horrible things. Well, if anyone should know, it's my mother...

[bobdog]

Well, the Chinese coast was rife with piratry ... perhaps he was pirating along there, and got lost across the ocean?? Maybe our resident pirate can tell us....

Although, come to think of it, when's the last time anyone saw Orlop?? Wonder if his cats finally ate his decaying body because his feet went numb and he was unable to call for help?

"You're a HORRIBLE person!! That's a HORRIBLE thing to say!!"

[Silver Sorrow]

"One-Eyed Willy" could be a Chinese pirate name. Four-Fingered Wu, Cut-Their-Balls-Off Wang... (with apologies to James Clavell and Barry Hughart, respectively.)

I know: we'll start calling him "Meow Mix" and then we'll find out that something happened and his cats did indeed eat him and then we'll laugh and laugh and laugh because we're HORRIBLE TERRIBLE AWFUL NOT NICE people.

Oh, sweet Bejeebus...he knows where I live. Ever seen The Fog?

(The good one, I mean. With Adrienne Barbeau. Not the pointless godawful remake.)

[GreyMouser]

Ever seen The Fog?

(The good one, I mean. With Adrienne Barbeau. Not the pointless godawful remake.)

Adrienne Barbeau....drool......

.............................

[Silver Sorrow]

I have no problem turning this into the Adrienne Barbeau Appreciation Thread...

...as long as Joely gets some mention as well. 

[Silver Sorrow]

Sure, a little thread necromancy never hurt anyone. Allegedly.

Just thought I'd post this. No poor me, no boo-hooing, no; it's a lesson in...a lesson in something. Most likely: keep my mouth shut at all times and leave the comedy to such luminaries as Carrot Top.

Anyway...

Comedically speaking, it wasn't a good day for me. Picture it: in the back seat, having to listen to the Beatles. Usually I'm down with the Beatles. But this featured what seemed like a dozen Ringo-led country songs, and I believe in the deepest depths of my heart, that I would, if given the chance, beat Ringo to death with Paul, just to stop that godawful sound from spewing out of his mouth. So I groused a bit, I admit. But it was not spiteful or mean-spirited, I maintain.

"Why didn't they fire his ass and hire Mitch Mitchell?" I asked, quite reasonably. "Mitch didn't try to sing every [CENSORED]ing song in the Carl Perkins songbook...at least, I hope not."

Nothing.

"You know what would've been better?" I asked, "Lennon...McCartney...Harrison ...PALMER!"

Nothing.

Taking a different tack, I changed the lyrics to "If I Fell" slightly...ever so slightly.

If I fell in front of you
With six bullets in me too
Would you help meeeeeeeeeeee--

And that was when I was told to shut up. Okay, fine. A little later, we passed a little trailer proclaiming it to be Hawaiian Mike's Snow Balls (obviously a sno-cone place). "I wonder," I began, "if they've ever had snowballs in Hawaii? Probably the last time the Edgar Winter Group was there, I'll bet... 'Hey, Snowballs! Get off the wahines!'"

Nothing.

This, obviously, was not my audience. I lapsed back into bitter silence for the rest of the trip. It must be that I am the bane of these people's existence, I opined amid the swirling howls and screams in my skull, and I'm just figuring that out. They hate me. And with good reason. I suck. And lo, my self-loathing was confirmed by a dicey Mexican dinner and the necessary handful of various supplementary medications.

Oh, well. There's always Lauren Holly.

[Silver Sorrow]

It just occured to me that everyone on these forums has to know this:

My neighbor used his kids' names as a basis when he bought cars for them.

Screwy, right? Let's explore this further.

His eldest daughter is named Shelby. So he bought her a Mustang and fixed it up with a Shelby graphics package. Smart, in a way; I can't imagine shelling out $45,000+ for a car that she's just going to wreck while texting her BFF. (Clarification: I assume nothing. She could be an intelligent young woman who doesn't text while driving. I merely make that statement based on crass generalization, which is my right as a misanthropic scumbag. Thank you.)

His son is named Dakota. He bought him a Ford Dakota. That's a truck, by the way.

His youngest daughter is named Lexus. So. She's already wrecked her car, and is now driving a gigantic SUV. Kind of like putting a roll cage on a skateboard. Before I threw more money into the All-Consuming Fire Of Uselessness that is a teenage girl -- if it were me in the grip of this stupidity, that is -- I would legally change her name to "Yugo". Or better yet: "Chuck".

Note: his wife drives a Fiero. I think it's a Fiero. I don't care enough to check. I can't remember her name half the time, so that's how I refer to her.

[SlyFoxx]

Sly Approves of da boobage here.

Rolls a d12 to determine his next course of action.

[Lord Mantrid]

Bewbs.

[Silver Sorrow]

Indeed.

An Evening At Home Flipping Through The Channels, July 4th 2011

Channel 4 [NBC affiliate]: Macy's fireworks extravapaloozaganza, or whatever. Set on a boat next to Liberty Island.

Upside: good fireworks display, once they actually got to it.

Downside: musical guests Brad Paisley (accompanied by his "Why Bother?" goatee),  and Beyonce (who wouldn't know a melody if it walked into the room and beat her to a bloody pulp). Plus all those other horrible songs they play over the fireworks.

What I wished: that Lady Liberty would have toppled over and crushed Beyonce.

Spiteful Laugh Provided By: the sight of maybe four people waving their arms for Beyonce, and the rest of the (most likely kidnapped and abused) audience milling around, not paying attention.

Why I Hate Beyonce: I don't hate her, really...I just think of her as the mediocre standard around whom gathers an entire of nation of bottom-feeding "singers" who think they, in turn, should be singers. My message to them: shut the f**k up and make something useful of yourself. Like compost.

Additionally: The only "song" I unmuted sounded like someone was torturing a Stratocaster with a chainsaw: the band was doing one thing, she was doing something else entirely (not sure what, exactly; it had something to do with that godawful R&B keening that the young women are told is "singing" these days), there were chicks with violins, and I think I saw at least eight major diabolical entities shaking their multi-pronged genitals at the camera...I don't know...I was beginning to hallucinate before I finally turned it over.

Suggestion For Next Year's Show: a medley of '70's rock classics to accompany the fireworks (as opposed to some dipshit diva who can't decide on a key). "The Stroke," for example, not to mention some Gary Glitter and Queen, would be great. And some Boston would rock. And Kansas. Definitely Kansas.

--------------------------------------
ABC and FOX didn't even bother.
--------------------------------------

Channel 9 [CBS affiliate]: Boston Pops...set in Boston, I guess.

Upside: News9, featuring the only weatherman (Gary England) worth watching, detected that there were two counties in the extreme southern part of the state that might be experiencing a light drizzle, so they slapped that huge-ass weather map over the top right quarter of the screen, complete with a banner encouraging people to riot and murder, as it's their last chance to live it up before that gentle summer shower turns into The End Of Everything As We Know It, We Really Mean It This Time.

Downside: Everything else. The only"musical" guest I noticed was that one country chick with large thighs and shiny pants...her name escapes me...Martina McBrideOfSatan, I think. Michael Chiklis was heavily involved at some point.

What I Wished: Seal Team Six taking out the orchestra.

Moment Of Total Objective Clarity: The camera lingers on a female violinist in the orchestra; I wonder if her entire life's devotion to the musical ideal is in any way affirmed this evening. I decide that if I were in her place, I would use my violin to launch my bow into McBride's chest.

Suggestion For Next Year's Show: All Boston songs. In fact, it should be a law that all radio stations in Boston should play Boston all the time. Same thing with Kansas. And Europe.

Europe's new motto: Europe: All "The Final Countdown" All The Time. Please Jesus Just Kill Us Now.

--------------------------------------
...flipping channels...
--------------------------------------

Channel 13 [OETA]: Washington DC. I turned it over when they introduced a former American Idol contestant (that one gargantuan Latina...can't be bothered to remember her name), who would be accompanied by two dancers from Dancing With The Stars. It was purely imagination on my part that the fireworks were provided by a hijacked 747 slamming into the stage at that point.

Upside? Downside? Nothing matters anymore.

What I Wished: a 21-pole dancer salute set to "Sweet Home Alabama."

Suggestion For Next Year's Show: The pole dancer thing. OETA likes to think it represents the civilized people of this nation, but they're fooling themselves. 21 toned asses with a death grip on sparkly blue, red, and white poles? Far more entertaining than a bunch of moldy antiques any day.

--------------------------------------
...desperately flipping channels...
--------------------------------------

WGN: set in Chicago, of course.

Fireworks: Don't know. I got tired of the reporter asking random idiots-in-the-street if they were:

1) here to see the fireworks,

2) excited about the fireworks, and

3) worried that Kim Kardashian may never find True Love.

The answers were:

1) Usually something affirmative, with a generous peppering of yeahs. [Duh. Why else would they be milling around outside in the heat on a federal holiday?]

2) You bet your sweet ass.

3) Kim what?

--------------------------------------
I'd had enough. I watched NCIS season 6 DVDs until my equilibrium returned. Then the anxieties and mild insomnia kicked in, totally wrecking the next day...and speaking of wrecking, some guys hired to clean up heavy debris (from a recent storm) in my neighbor's yard wrecked the community mailbox with a front loader. Geniuses.

And that was the 4th of July. And these are more boobies.

EDIT:

Waitwaitwait!

Fireworks Floyd!

"Us..." [large burst]

[echoes] "us...us...us" [small bursts]

"...and them..." [large burst]

[echoes] "them...them...them..." [small bursts]

And so on. Like Lazer Floyd, but so much more explodey and fun! 

Right?

You see what I'm...

...screw you guys. It would be COOL.