Author Topic: Preparation FPS (Resurrected)  (Read 1444 times)

Offline Lord Mantrid

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Preparation FPS (Resurrected)
« on: June 17, 2016, 01:07:55 AM »
Silver Sorrow is right, nothing really dies on the internet.

I mean, look at me - the physical embodiment of herpes - still flaring up from time to time. After catching up on his resurrection thread, I figured that I would see if the good ol' Wayback Machine would have any of my awful reviews of awful mods. Fortunately for you, yes. I'll be posting them as I find them (there's only nine from what I remember since I was banished before I could reach ten... meh) and I'll break them down as best as I can. For the sake of nostalgia, I have changed my avatar to the most recent picture of Norman Lovett as Red Dwarf's Holly.

Until then, here's the original announcement, because racecar.
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #1: The Aztec's Bane
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2016, 01:21:03 AM »
Modification: The Aztec's Bane
Author: Marek Hlavac
Size: 24 mb
Web Address: http://tab.pc.cz/
(Well it was formerly. Apparently it was so bad the web provider deleted the site)
Rating: -1.00 / 5

What do you get when you add Half-Life, Opposing Force, Gunman Chronicles, Alien Vs Predator, Sweet Half-Life, Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force, and a heaping spoonful of suck? That's right kiddies, the feel good event of the summer, "The Aztecs Bane"

Okay, this mod is in Czech, so I've no clue as to what exactly the storyline is. What I can tell you though, it's supposed to be some sort of expedition into some Aztec ruins, and apparently some Xen creatures (among others) decide to pay you a little visit for tea and crumpets. Of course not, they want to kill your orange ass!!! This is where the creativity (-refrains from spastic laughter-) ends.

It starts off with you standing in front of a poorly designed Aztec structure with some of those Sweet Half-Life scientist suit guys standing around with their arms extended with low and behold, absolutely nothing. Why would their hands be sticking up then? Maybe they were surrendering to Ra or whoever the Aztec sun god was. Anyways, you go through so little maze things and boxy rooms when you jump down into this little hole into a box and -gasp- what is this? Why I do believe it looks familiar, there's lots of aztecy looking textures crap around but why does it look familiar? Oh, that's right, because it's the first map of "We've Got Hostiles" retextured like it were part of the Aztec complex!! You would think the utter laziness would come at the end, oh but no... that's not the case. They do this pretty much right at the beginning, so you won't be too impressed by it's finale.

There's not really much else to describe except for a mildly entertaining alien abduction (yes, the Sweet Half-Life engine used for evil instead of good once again) where you are trapped in one of those glass things, but you just go through this stupid boxy room and escape, nothing really fancy about that is there? From here to before the finale it's basically: "Run through crappy corridors. Shoot poorly reskinned and different modeled aliens, run some more, shoot more aliens, look at the black abyss through leaks in the walls, shoot some more aliens, get stuck in one of those crack..." I could go on for hours. Oohh looky! That Alien Grunt looks like the weird projectile shooting Xenome thing from Gunman! Wow, words cannot begin to describe the amount of detail gone into their model replacements. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the finale. The creme de la creme. The Full Monty. Okay, that's enough. What's better than blowing one one Nihilanth? Blowing up two Nihilanths!! That's right, your "Blow Up The Nihilanth Twins Playset" is equipped with:

A. A laughable mountainous terrain complete with a small pond under each Nihilanth and one in the center for health regeneration!
B. New and improved (yeah, right) weapons on you quest to rid the word of giant fat alien babies with arms sewn into their chests!
C. Not tall enough to throw grenades inside of The Nihi Twins' skulls? No problem! Just climb up the ladder to one of the two ranger towers conveniently placed next to your mortal enemies!
D. Easy to use reset button? Bad flanking move? Just climb to the top of the ranger tower and jump off! Wow!! It's so easy even a Chevron Station attendant can figure it out!

...and now back to the real world. Oh, if it were only as easy as climbing up that ladder and throwing grenades in. Unfortunately, the higher you go the higher Nihilanth goes, even to the point of floating out of the map. You can't out run him, you can't outsmart him. That's the fatal flaw of the HL engine. How do you kill him? one word: Noclip. I'm sure someone's figured out a way to do it the legal way, but after hours of attempting to throw grenades into it's skull with them just landing below him, it loses it's fun factor (-refrains from insane laughter again-).

Final Thought:
Avoid this mod, unless you (I know what you're thinking, oh God, not the letter thing again)

A. You are currently on chemotherapy and want something to cheer you up
B. A masochist who likes being spanked with a toy poodle
C. You're simply an idiot.

As Paul Harvey would say, "That's the rest of the story"

Review review: Wow, that was bad.I tried waaaaaaaayyyy too hard.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 01:28:03 AM by Lord Mantrid »
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #2: Betrayal
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2016, 01:23:50 AM »
I'm embarrassed to be sharing this garbage, but revisionist history is bullshit, so... whatevs

Modification: Betrayal
Filename: Multiple
Author: Gareth Llewellyn
Author Email: webmaster@enigma-corporation.co.uk
Home Page: http://www.enigma-corporation.co.uk
Description: A small mission based mod addon thing (How descriptive!)
Previous Maps: None that have been released
(Thank God. Too bad this one had to be released)
Rating: -3.00 / 5   

Hey kiddies, it's your old pal Uncle Mantrid again! Now what do we have on the platter tonight? That's right, it's the steaming heap of camel crap known as 'Betrayal'. Some things are better shown than described, so I thought I'd show you the readme to this "mod", as well as my own personal opinions about certain things.

=====================================================================
                          Betrayal Mod Specs
=====================================================================
------General Information--------------------------------------------
Title         : Betrayal
Filename      : Multiple
Author        : Gareth Llewellyn
Author Email  : webmaster@enigma-corporation.co.uk
Home page     : www.enigma-corporation.co.uk
Description   : A small mission based mod addon thing
Previous Maps : None that have been released

------Credits and Thanks---------------------------------------------
Prefabs:
The Green Tank :xKinetiCx Email Address : xkineticx@thegrid.net
Desert Assult Chopper : NOT MINE BUT NO .TXT FILE WITH .ZIP FILE
PLEASE E-MAIL ME IF IT IS YOURS
(The only emails this guy should be getting is discounts on Paxil)

Models:
Car 15 Assult Rifle : chau.ha@usa.net

Sounds:
9mmAR New Sounds : MrCleaN : zoorg@hem1.passagen.se

 ------Additional Info, Tips, and Notes-------------------------------
Training level available, a few extra sound files and a custom titles.txt.
(Yeah! You get trained on how to be a bad mapper!)
Beware of Hostile Apaches they ALWAYS roam in pairs. Don't fight them
just run you will rarely win against them even with an RPG.
(I was once in a large room with two hostile apache helicopters and Gareth Llewellyn. My weapon was an RPG with two rockets. What did I do? I shot Gareth twice.)

------Play Information-----------------------------------------------
Deathmatch       : No
Single Player    : Yes (Oh, is that what you call it?)
Mod Description  : Read Mod Info Below
How Many Players : 1-2 other wise it would be rediculous ('Rediculous' is right)

------Map Information------------------------------------------------
New Textures : None
New Sounds   : Yes (The sound of me gagging over the horrible gameplay)

 ------Construction---------------------------------------------------
Base            : None, from scratch
Editor(s) used  : Worldcraft 2.1
Compile Machine : PIII 450mhz, 64SDRAM, Voodoo 3 3000, 21" Moniter
Compile time    : ARGGGHHHHH (You're not the only one)
Playtest time   : Weeks

------Map Instructions-----------------------------------------------
Unzip the files in this archive. Place the folder, "Betrayal" in
your half-life/ directory. If there are any .wad files in
this zip, place them in the half-life/valve directory.

(Here are some updated instructions: Do not unzip the files in this archive. Delete them immediately. In fact, if any hackers are reading this, attack any website harboring this waste of binary code.)

------Mod Info-------------------------------------------------------
     After accepting the offer of the administrator you have been
sent to investigate why a science team that has failed to return from
a routine "Anomolous Creature" collection mission, they have also failed to
radio in a report. The helicopter is still operational but the science
equipment is disrupting further satellite observations.
     Your orders are to investigate and remedy any problem found, evac
will be sent as soon as you complete the mission.

Postion : (Fetal. Oh, wait. That's after you play it.)
     Arizona 4 miles west of Area 51

------Copyright-Permissions------------------------------------------
Authors MAY NOT use this level as a base to build additional levels. (Afraid they'd ruin your masterpiece? -Refraining from insane laughter-)

You MUST NOT distribute this level UNLESS you INCLUDE THIS FILE WITH NO MODIFICATIONS!!!.
If you don't co-operate, then DON'T DISTRIBUTE IT IN ANY FORM!!. This mod MUST not be commercially
(Pardon my French, but who the HELL would want to market this rubbish commercially?)


Now back to the review:
We all know that every time someone tries to make a mod about Area 51, it's gonna suck eggs. This mod is no different, except it sucks rotten eggs. You're Gordon and G-man wants you to see what's going on. That's all well and good but you're dropped off in the desert next to a crowbar and an HEV suit. Now, if they were already there what are the odds of you landing next to them? If they weren't, why didn't you gear up before you were thrown out of the plane? So you run around the desert and then Gordon's like "OMG, like these scientists have been totally skinned, like totally gross and freaky stuff!" Enough of that. So you see the skeletons of the scientists with the mysterious yellow dots surrounding their bodies (creepy, in a John Travolta singing kind of way). After you build a decorative Christmas centerpiece out of the bones that would make Martha Stewart envious, you run across this little ugly building. Oh, how do I get in? Let me hit it one time with my crowbar and this 3 inch thick steel door will crumble before my godlike strength! Die, door, DIE!!!! After defeating the evil steel door from Hell, you venture into this little room with a hole in the ground. Am I supposed to jump in here? Well considering there is no other way out, I'd say yes! So while you venture through the turret laced Area 51 sewers (I'm not sure on this one, but wouldn't fermented solid waste fumes corrode ceiling mounted turrets?) you run across a ladder. Oh, am I finally free? No! You're about to enter the wonderous realm of Area 51! You kill some grunts, run into the building and then when the map changes (Well, tries to) you're start getting all paranoid. Somebody might be watching me! So you turn around and look up only to see a surveillance camera staring at the ceiling! That's what you get when you hire Marty Feldman to be your camera operator. Soon after you see the G-man in this little glass room like he's the Pope or something. Look out Gordon, there are grunts in the room right in front of him! That's okay, just use impulse 101 because you know you haven't got a chance in hell without it since the author is an idiot who knows nothing about weapon placement! After cheating and killing the grunts you walk up to G-man and say "Step off beeotch before I pop a cap in yo azz" so he hits him one time with the crowbar and G-man says "Don't be hatin'!" An overly elaborate cutscene follows along with the threat of a continuation of this crap. There's some more scattered along like the remains of the guy the T-rex grabbed off the toilet on Jurassic Park, but I now have a migraine and have to go lie down and die. Toodles, children.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 01:28:13 AM by Lord Mantrid »
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #3: "Run for Life"
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2016, 01:27:06 AM »
This is like finding pictures of this chick you banged in college and you thought she was hot, but then noticing the Adam's apple years later

Modification: Run for Life
Preparation FPS: Run For LifeFilename: rfl.zip
Author: Air-dan
Author Email: decb@newmail.net
Home Page: http://www.geocities.com/nba_flex (not about hl)
Description: A cool (Yeah, right), hard, single-player level
Experience: I made the famous Airxen_27, Death=power
(If I'm not mistaken, didn't this map get one of the worst reviews of all time? Famous, no. Infamous, absolutely.)
Rating: -3.50 / 5 Yeah, and I'm being generous   

What we have here is an attempt to do something spectacular to amaze us and the name Air-Dan will go down in history forever. While the whole 'Air-Dan's name will be etched in our minds forever' part is true, the rest of that is about as likely as Keanu Reeves being casted to play Martin Luther King, Jr. So your story starts out like this: oh wait, there is no story!! All you do is kill, kill, and kill again! But to tide you over here's some fun ridicule, check this out of the readme file.

This level may be electronically distributed only at
NO CHARGE to the recipient in its current state, MUST
include this .txt file, and may NOT be modified IN
ANY WAY.
Does that mean we can't correct the bad sentence construction, or improve the map quality so it won't suck goat udders? Oh well, moving on. There are missions objectives, if you want to call them that. Here's one that struck me funny:
MISSION FAILED:
You must not fall into the pit.

I'm sure at the operative's funeral his boss would say "He could have saved us all, had the stupid son of a bitch not fallen into the pit."

There is some new stuff, but it is all ripped off from World War 3. Yes, you heard me correctly. If you're going to rip stuff off from another mod, at least make sure it's one that doesn't suck. Check out the screenshots to see what I mean about how bad it is. On a final note, I must say that the best thing about this mod is the fact that it only has 5 maps, and the 5th one is just you on a little floating Xen island thingy and a cardboard box that says "Thanks for playing RFL" That's right folks, Run For Life... away from this mod.
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #4: "Dust Runer"
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2016, 01:30:07 AM »
WHAT WAS I DOING WITH MY LIFE IN 2004

Modification: Dust Runner
Filename: runer.rar Download Dust Runner
File Size: 2.9 mb
Author: Lexart
Author Email: lexart88@mail.ru
Home Page:
Rating: -2.00 / 5 

I went to the doctor's the other day. He told me my son was autistic. I looked at him and said "What, are you crazy? Have you seen some of his drawings?"

Ahhh, another cow pattie to examine. It doesn't get any better than this, does it? Oh yes, my friend. It does. Today's victim is a little thing called Dust Runner, or as it was so cleverly put by the creator, 'Dust Runer'. What's a runer, much less a Dust Runer? Some kind of new fangled portable vacuum cleaner by Kenmore to compete with Eureka? How I wish. I couldn't even get the thing to work in it's own folder so I had to copy the maps into another mod folder and run them from there! Some start, huh?

When I finally got it to work, you start out in this little room surrounded by eightballs. Not the cool Unreal Eightball rocket launcher, I'm referring to the "I can't map worth a damn and I think it would be cool if I made the walls in this room look like the default texture" eightball. As I’m thinking to myself anyone who uses this texture in their first map needs to have their head examined, all of the sudden, pow! The floor (also the default texture) gives way and you start falling and falling and falling!! Oh, please, let me land on something so I will die! Sadly, you wake up and you're all "it was just a dream". Wow, I didn't know Gareth Llewellyn had a fan following! Everyone everywhere, go out and make a poorly mapped mod and then forget how to enunciate!!!

Anywho, you find a message on the table that says "Had a great time, see ya later. Love, Gina." Okay so you go out and low and behold, Barney's waiting on you with a big green Army truck! Hey, can I ride shotgun? Hell no, get in the back! Wow, Gordon shot down once again. I don't know why Gordon always has to get in the back of the big green Army truck instead of riding up front next to Barney. Hmm, maybe it was that time during spring break when Gordon accidentally ate the tequila worm. He claimed he thought Barney was Jenny McCarthy, but... nevermind.

Anyways, you're carried off to this research facility where you randomly enter rooms and kill things. Fun eh? ...no. Two words: Headcrab L'orange. That would make a pretty tasty course at Red Lobster. Somebody would take a bite and go, "mmm, tastes like Bullchicken." Okay, so there's a bunch more of random killing and jumping and crouching, followed by more of the same. It's just about like the original game except the original game was designed by a bunch of brilliant guys led by a renegade Microsoft bigwig. This was created by a halfwit foreign exchange student who doesn't know the difference between George W. Bush and Jeff Gordon. By the way "Lexart" Jeff Gordon is the gay one.

After even more of the same crap the final map shows you falling and falling and falling again, and it's basically the same map as the intro, only this time you have the comfort of knowing it's finally over. Avoid this mod like SARS, or Steve Park. Same difference.

Note: Sorry about the vague review, but with the mod lacking a readme, there's not much to review. This is one of those mods where you have to know what the author was thinking before you can figure it out on your own.
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #5: The Cupboard of Doom
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2016, 01:34:38 AM »
Now here's one I vaguely remember. It was short. One level, I think? Maybe it was two. In retrospect I'm not sure if it wasn't more some post-modern Dada bullshit than it actually was "bad." I'm kidding. It was still terrible. Truth is I'm not even reading what I wrote at this point. I'm basically going by the pictures from the archive page.

Modification: The Cupboard of Doom
Filename: doomcupboard11.zip
Author: Francois "Venomus" Barnes
Author Email: MrMan@mrman58.freeserve.co.uk
Home Page: http://www.mrman58.freeserve.co.uk/spawningtank
Download: http://www.mrman58.freeserve.co.uk/spawningtank/files/doomcupboard11.zip
Rating: -2.00 / 5   

Type:
Number of maps:
Difficulty levels:
New textures/skies:
New sprites:
New models:
New code:
New sounds:
Single player
1
yes
yes
no
yes
no
yes


What we have here is a one map disaster. Sure, the first part starts out okay I guess. The little mountainside and the ladder to a long walkway, it's almost looks half decent. But then we get into this stupid maze contraption with steam and grinders and stuff, only to fall down a tube and into a little room. Ooh, look! Stairs! Let's climb them! No, you have to jump up each one, since they were made too big! And now you're in a room, and there's a cupboard. Who calls them cupboards anymore? I mean honestly, that is sooo 1800's. So you walk up to it, open it up, and there's a jar. You look at it and go "Oh look, Grandma forgot about her dentures again and now they're covered in mold". So you turn around to walk away and then you hear the jar shatter, and splat. You turn around and go "Oh my God, bouncing mutant dog crap is trying to kill me!" You run back up through the maze, run down the hall, climb down the ladder to where you started and there's a portal. How convient, a portal! Let's go through it! The End, well it's the end except for the lame message about never being able to escape from the evil dog crap or whatever. Someone must have to clean up a lot of land mines. The readme said something about it being based on a nightmare someone once told him. Either the horror of it was lost in the translation, or it was a drug-induced hallucination instead of a nightmare. Oh well, the French will smoke anything.     

Michael Waltrip Says: I've got a lot of talent, but not a lot of sense.
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #6: Madcrabs 2 aka Crazycrabs
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2016, 01:37:57 AM »
I don't remember anything from this one. I don't remember any of them, to be completely honest with you. I can't even  find my pants half the time these days. More than anything I just hope that 17 year old me would shout "CRRAAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYY CRABS" like a high pitched Steve Martin every time it came up.


Modification: Mad Crabs 2 AKA Crazycrabs
Author: __________
Home Page: __________
Description: __________
Rating: -3.50 / 5

There is a readme file, but it's all in Russian. Well, I think it's Russian without the Russian text converter thing installed so it looks like a Klingon control panel. I'm sure I could get someone to translate it for me, but it would wind up looking like the English translation of "Orion". So, I suppose I'll tell you the story. One day Gordon woke up in this little square room with a scientist, a barney, and two grunts. They had brought him there because apparently a 12 year old boy was at Neverland Ranch. He found Michael Jackson's secret alien communication box and sent out a distress signal thinking it was some new fangled Xbox (Now don't complain, he admitted to being an alien in MIB2). The United Nation's of Headcrabs received the signal, and started teleporting their finest conscripts into battle. Anyways, the alien slaves for some reason are on our side now, and they're helping to kill the headcrabs. The little square room has a ladder in it, so you can go downstairs into a conviently placed armory. But when you near a teleporter beam in this little room, oh no!!! One headcrab and one zombie! Have no fear, chuck the grenades you just found at them! One thing though, if they can teleport their conscripts into the building, why aren't they all teleporting into the building? I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. A mission is not told until right at the end where you help four green barneys in suits escape, then you have to get "Edgar" who looks remarkably like Gordon with a nip and tuck here and there to fly you out in a conveniently placed chopper. The weapons. Oh good lord, the weapons. The only one changed is the mp5 and of course it was changed to the obligatory 'Aliens' M4A1. I mean, seriously. I've seen that weapon model more times than the Paris Hilton video. Oops, didn't mean to say that. The models are decent... maybe. But that's about the only thing decent. Okay. Now, for someone who went to the trouble of having FOUR different endings in Madcrabs 1, he certainly didn't take too much time on this one did he? I keep hearing the G-man in my head saying "Rather an anti-climax after what you've just survived," considering how entertaining the first one was. I mean sure, Madcrabs was cheesy, but at least it was better than this! I wouldn't be surprised if this were made by a different person.

Update: Apparently I was right. This wasn't made by the same person so they renamed it. Too bad when they were renaming it they didn't accidentally slide the cursor up too far and click Delete instead.

Rating:
Minus  3 dash 5 0

Pointless hint: At a certain point, where you crash into a room with a scientist and two evil barneys, the game will start going really slowly. Throw a grenade over behind the desk where the scientist is, and for some reason it will fix the problem.

 
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Offline Lord Mantrid

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Review #7?
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2016, 01:42:55 AM »
Oh... So apparently I never made it past Episode 6.

Wait a minute. Didn't I do one about The Gate? Maybe I had it written but it was never published. Maybe I just fantasized it. I don't remember.

Should I throw one together for old time's sake?
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Offline bobdog

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Re: Preparation FPS (Resurrected)
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2016, 12:26:19 AM »
Sure, why not?!  :onethumb:

Offline Lord Mantrid

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Re: Preparation FPS (Resurrected)
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2016, 07:32:43 PM »
I am going to attempt to reinstall all of this stuff and see if I can't revisit these 10 years later. Could be entertaining.

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