Random Crap 2022: Still Circling The Drain

[Silver Sorrow]

The God of Punchline Setups smiled upon me today.

The place and the situation: a Mexican restaurant. The subject of my 30th high school reunion came up.

My Aunt: Are you going?

Me: Nah, I'll see them in Hell.

And everybody clapped and they carried me around the restaurant a few times and--

--actually, I don't think she heard me very well because everyone was talking and the TV was blaring some soccer match, so...

Still, I made a funny today. Yay, me.

For more ultra-positive upbeat feel-good stories, follow me on...uh...well, okay, I'm not on IG. Or twitter. Or any social media platform, actually. I mean, I have a Facebook page, but that's for keeping up with how many kids my various relatives have squeezed out into this shithole world, and they don't understand a goddamn thing I say, so I guess this is it. So Timmy...have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

[Starfox]

Me? i just had a nightmare (and I stress the word "nightmare") about what the next Mass Effect could be. And gosh I hope it's just something I ate and not a premonition...

So there was Shepard (mine was the male version for some reasons but I guess femshep is not far away) which means that they took the version were Shepard survive, so the crappiest of the three. For some reason, Shepard apparently didn't cope well with being alive again (for the second time) or having been killed twice, you choose, and had become an hyper renegade with a tendency to headbutt anything in sight without a clear motive. Other times he went into dark monologues where he spoke to himself only, even when 20 persons were present. In short he was a loony.

Liara was back as well as Kaidan (don't ask me why Kaidan, I have no clue; did I not mention it was a nightmare?) and they kept arguing about this and that in a very hostile way for reasons unknown -- my nightmare wasn't that precise but if I had to guess, I'd say there was a lot of sexual tension involved -- and their arguing kept annoying a kind of British butler (yes because now there is a British butler, a new character apparently, whose task was to look after Shep's crap and always have a witty repartee ready to go ) in a sort of funny way...

The mass relays were all gone, as per the ending where Shepard survives, and there was no reapers left to rebuild them so they had to do something about that. And BAM, wormholes. An obscure scientist developed an hyperdrive that could create a wormhole on its own and choose any destination across the Galaxy (I must admit, way cooler than mass relays, way cooler even than Stargate because one can choose the destination). How did that work practically? No clue. You'd have to ask a quantum physicist.

The Normandy was back but it wasn't the Normandy, I mean, not the one we know so well. It had become this monstrosity more akin to a cruiser than a light frigate with things protruding from everywhere on the hull. The switch in size might had to do with the fact that Shepard finally made it Captain (oh, I didn't mentioned that yet, did I?). And also they had to make a big enough ship to fit in there the only prototype of the hyper "wormhole" drive so it could be tested in the field. Why did they name it Normandy when this kind of name is normally reserved to frigates? That was an universe where a loony Shepard was still breathing and with wormhole drives on the verge of becoming a new propulsion standard and you ask that kind of question? Seriously?

Anyway, something went wrong during the testing campaign (at least I gathered that much from my disjointed nightmare) and due to quantum ripples or somesuch opened a way to our universe from an alternate dimension to creatures that I guess would be the new Reapers. Well they didn't have the size of a Reaper, but they surprisingly packed the punch of one.

Then my nightmare ended and I jolted down those notes. There was no Garrus or Tali in there (but maybe it was just an early draft) and the whole game was bathed in some kind of greenish hue a bit like Call of Cthulhu (but I must say there, my brain possibly just added this for dramatic effect, like if the whole concept wasn't dramatic enough). Oh, and there was something very wrong going on with the galactic core but I couldn't decipher what exactly -- you could see it from planet-side a bit like the hole in the sky in Dragon Age Inquisition. Technically the whole game seemed to be built with strings to such an extent that I told myself at some point "this thing won't even last 5 years before it needs a remaster".

I really hope it was just something I ate though.

But if any of this appears to become gaming reality... tell Bioware my brain wants royalties!

[Silver Sorrow]

That's one reason I avoid spicy food after midnight. 

Not quite a nightmare in my case, but I live with the neverending dread that the next ME will be a combination of Andromeda and Anthem. Or Starfall will be Bethesda's version of No Man's Sky.

It's a great time to be alive.

Still...I kinda like the idea of a thoroughly batshit Shepard with a British butler.

[Silver Sorrow]

Several things to ponder:

- 3 Asian women in a hair salon in Texas were shot (they're OK); authorities are wondering if the shooting was a "hate" crime.

Ummm...if you ignore the semantics of the statement, isn't deliberately shooting someone a hate crime most of the time? I mean, when you're not helping a buddy stay out of Vietnam by shooting his big toe off, that is.

-  A while back I saw one of those "paranormal" shows (you know: where a camera crew goes to an allegedly haunted site and gets the piss scared out of 'em in nightvision-o-rama), where the cast was hanging out in an abandoned Japanese coal mine. Apparently, there were lots of deaths, etc. etc. Now...they heard whispers and all kinds of stuff, but what bothered me was that they could understand them.

So. Turn of the 20th century Japanese ghosts were trying to communicate...in English. This was the point where I threw my popcorn at the screen and snarled "Get the hell out of here."

- The Transformers on Cybertron (before they got to Earth): why did they turn into cars with compartments that were human-sized? Okay, I get the attraction of turning myself into an engine with wheels, or a friggin' jet, but how many humans were around to justify passenger seating?

And why did they need to transform into anything, really? Say you're a Decepticon hunting for Autobots. The Autobot, in an effort to hide from you, transforms into a stylized sports car (complete with two human-sized seats...but what are humans?) and parks in a nonchalant manner, sending out "ignore me, I'm just an average Lamborghini" vibes. Now, you may be just a lowly tetrajet, but something in the back of your mind is screaming that this may indeed be one of those Autobot fellows you're trying to find.

Wouldn't it be more efficient to transform into, say, a chunk of architecture? Like a wall, perhaps? "I thought I saw that Autobot come this way," you would say to yourself, "but all I see is this lovely new portico they must've added on to the Nuts 'n' Bolts Energon Bar since I was last here."

And another thing: in Transformers the Movie (the one from the '80's), why is it that Galvatron and Cyclonus are the same size, and yet when Cyclonus transforms into a jet, Galvatron is able to fit into his cockpit? I'll pretend I didn't hear you chuckle.

The Transformers experience really does fall apart when you examine it too closely, I guess. Didn't stop me from buying a ton of the toys, though. And that's the most important thing, isn't it?

[Silver Sorrow]

Friday.

Had to change my windshield wipers. Got dirt under a fingernail. Thought I would lose my mind.

Half a tank of gas...$50.

Amazon's Rings of Power or whatever: it's just Tolkien fan fiction.

Taco Bell: the Mexican Pizza is back.

Del Taco: NEVER AGAIN.

People who have dogs in suburban neighborhoods: is death too good for them?

Transformers: Rubik's Cubes for those who dislike Rubik's Cubes.

In the whole of humanity's existence. For as long as the human race has cultivated vegetables. It astounds me that, after all that time, after all that effort, no one has ever figured out how to make them taste good.

"Oh, I don't know...if you sautee them in--"

FUCK. YOU.

EDIT...Critical Update

Taco Bell: NEVER AGAIN.

[Silver Sorrow]

Well. Neca released their 8" Elvira, Mistress of the Dark clothed figure, and I must say that I am shocked at the lack of detail. See for yourself.

Deplorable.

REFUND! REFUND! REFUND!